All of my best ideas break through at the height of my high. Be gone are the inhibitions, the walls, and the constant editing of myself. And while I like to believe this newsletter has structure, if I’m honest, I trust the version of me that writes from the heart more than anything else.

This month, I’ve been thinking about love. Not necessarily pink heart balloons and chocolate love, but how I love myself, how I allow myself to be loved, and how I love other people. I’ve started to notice how much that impacts my drive and ambition, too. When I feel grounded in myself, I move way differently. When I don’t, everything feels tense.

I do love myself. I do. But I also understand how people let themselves go. And I don’t just mean physically. You can let yourself go emotionally, creatively, mentally. Once upon a time, I used to play music at work just to add levity to my day. I played music at home. I wrote more. I kept up with regular self-care maintenance appointments in support of my physical, mental, and aesthetic well-being. I went to sleep before midnight. I went out with friends. I did small things that made me feel like I was tending to myself.

I’ve been slacking, but not in a dramatic, everything-is-falling-apart way. And yes, I’m a mom, and I need to give myself grace. It’s true, life is different now. But damn, there’s a difference between grace and neglect. I have let the small things that used to make me feel like me slide. And the longer I let them slide, the easier it becomes to convince myself that they don’t matter.

At some point, my expectations of people dwindled. If I get flowers, great. If I don’t, great. And that’s such a small example, but the truth is, I love flowers. Why do I waver about something that genuinely brings me joy? Why does it feel easier to say “it’s fine” than to say “I actually really love that”? Not in a doing too much way, but dammit, I like flowers, and I’m going to pick up a bouquet from Trader Joe’s every now and then because it makes me happy.

The hardest part to admit is when I don’t stand firmly in what I want and need, I feel a way when someone else does. And when I say someone else, I mean my partner. He is clear and direct about what he wants. And instead of respecting that, sometimes I feel irritation. But if I’m honest, a lot of the misunderstandings, defensiveness, and hurt between us has less to do with him and more to do with how I’ve been loving myself, or not loving myself lately.

I don’t want my daughter growing up thinking love means asking for less.

When you quietly abandon yourself, resentment wastes no time in quietly building, too. It doesn’t just affect your relationships; it dulls your ambition. It makes you smaller in rooms you’re meant to take up space in. And that’s not the season of love I want to be in.

I hope you enjoyed this one. It was really personal to me. See you next month. -

❤️ Tahara